Begin the sequence of sending and taking with yourself.

Photo by Andrea Booher

          Shortly after 9/11, I remember reading about the many Search and Rescue dogs who explored the maze of twisted metal and rubble from the Twin Towers. Not only did these animals search for survivors, they also provided comfort to the first responders who worked tirelessly at the site. Yet as the days turned to weeks, the dogs continually found bodies rather than anyone alive. Though they were well taken care of, several of them began to lose their fur and appetites as well as show signs of depression. Like any professional, their biggest reward was a job well done - in their case, finding a live person. Some of the handlers got a few workers to hide among the debris to allow the dogs to feel the excitement of a live rescue again. This break from routine gave them some positive reinforcement for the endless, hard work they had been doing. In the same way, practicing tonglen for ourselves can help uncover the spring of compassion that flows within; nourished by it, that feeling of tenderness and kindness can overflow to others.

There is a difference between self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior and sound internal self-care. Self-care is about taking good care of our own feelings so we don’t project them onto others, act badly, or cause problems in relationships. When we are in touch with our own feelings, we can then reach out more effectively to others and show love and empathy to them also. ~ Karyl McBride

For more information on the tenth slogan, go here.

Slogan Ten

Begin the sequence of sending and taking with yourself.

From the Lojong for the Layperson booklet:

            To be able to sit with the suffering of another person, we must first be willing to accept our own. When we can experience our pain without disengaging, we will then deeply comprehend the pain of others. Without the push of resistance, we acknowledge all of our own anguish, from physical suffering to emotional despair.  Using tonglen, we breathe out kindness, serenity and healing to ourselves. We eventually expand this receptiveness to include the suffering of all others. This slogan is not an attempt to perfect ourselves before extending compassion to others. As Pema Chodron states, “Start where you are.”

Photo: Green cherry laurel leaves and red tip photinia leaves with stone on cracked, dried mud.

            I've had discussions with friends and acquaintances who believe Buddhist teachings turn a person into a doormat with “martyr” stamped across it. But the tenth slogan suggests just the opposite is true. As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson put it, “Kindness to you is kindness to me; kindness to me is kindness to you.” When my daughter was in elementary school, she received a birthday invitation for a party held at the local roller skating rink. She had never skated before, but I had enjoyed it as a teenager. I figured I would lace up some skates and help her as she learned. The problem with that line of logic was I hadn't skated in 25 years. When I got out on the rink floor, I felt like I had no traction or balance. If I had tried to help her, we would have both ended up on our bums. Starting with myself – being gentle, compassionate and kind – helps me gain clarity. I begin to understand what appropriate kindness looks like, so my motivation to help others isn't based on selfish, manipulative desires. This type of balance is beneficial for everyone.