Slogan Ten

Begin the sequence of sending and taking with yourself.

From the Lojong for the Layperson booklet:

            To be able to sit with the suffering of another person, we must first be willing to accept our own. When we can experience our pain without disengaging, we will then deeply comprehend the pain of others. Without the push of resistance, we acknowledge all of our own anguish, from physical suffering to emotional despair.  Using tonglen, we breathe out kindness, serenity and healing to ourselves. We eventually expand this receptiveness to include the suffering of all others. This slogan is not an attempt to perfect ourselves before extending compassion to others. As Pema Chodron states, “Start where you are.”

Photo: Green cherry laurel leaves and red tip photinia leaves with stone on cracked, dried mud.

            I've had discussions with friends and acquaintances who believe Buddhist teachings turn a person into a doormat with “martyr” stamped across it. But the tenth slogan suggests just the opposite is true. As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson put it, “Kindness to you is kindness to me; kindness to me is kindness to you.” When my daughter was in elementary school, she received a birthday invitation for a party held at the local roller skating rink. She had never skated before, but I had enjoyed it as a teenager. I figured I would lace up some skates and help her as she learned. The problem with that line of logic was I hadn't skated in 25 years. When I got out on the rink floor, I felt like I had no traction or balance. If I had tried to help her, we would have both ended up on our bums. Starting with myself – being gentle, compassionate and kind – helps me gain clarity. I begin to understand what appropriate kindness looks like, so my motivation to help others isn't based on selfish, manipulative desires. This type of balance is beneficial for everyone.