Slogan Thirty-eight

Don’t seek others’ pain as the limbs of your own happiness.

From the Lojong for the Layperson booklet:

            Seeking happiness at the expense of others is a common characteristic of humans. Instead of concern, we feel gratified that someone else has worse problems than we do. We are secretly thrilled when a person we dislike faces misfortune, because we believe he or she deserves it. When someone loses, we are delighted if that increases our chances at winning. Yet if something wonderful happens to our adversary, we become upset; the memories of past hurts haunt us. These reactions are built on the idea that we can find joy through the suffering of other people. But such reasoning is flawed and contrary to the purpose of lojong practice. Trying to wrest happiness from such external events will only leave us feeling empty and depressed. If we allow it, compassion can teach us happiness is self-generating through acts of benevolence.

Photo: A squashed crape myrtle blossom run over by a car.

            When I was in middle school, I met Rita; I was an introvert, and she was extremely shy. We developed a deep friendship, finding a freedom in fully trusting each other. But as it turned out, she was one of those late bloomers who gained self-confidence as she got older. In high school she became a cheerleader and found a whole new set of friends. It wasn’t that Rita became snobby or mean; her time schedule just didn't allow her any free time for us to hang out. I was resentful of her new popularity status and the life she now led. If I learned she and a boyfriend had broken up or that she struggled in a particular class, I was delighted. But when something good happened to her, it made me burn with envy and anger. Have you ever seen a dog choke collar that tightens around the neck if pulled? I lived my life that way with her unknowingly holding the leash. I was miserable until I finally took responsibility for my own joy. What a relief it was to realize I could take off that collar!