Don’t bring things to a painful point.

Poison Ivy - photo by B. King

          "Leaves of three, let them be" is an adage to help identify and avoid Toxicodendron radicans and its cousins. Contact with the plant's oil found in the leaves, stem and root can cause a blistering rash whose itch is maddening. While scratching may seem to bring relief, it can actually make matters worse. A good scratch temporarily distracts the brain with minor pain, which then stimulates the production of serotonin to help control it. But the serotonin has a secondary effect - it intensifies the itching. "Don't bring things to a painful point" encourages us to avoid making the same sort of error. When we find a person's sore spot, we may be tempted to test it, reinforcing the problem and causing it to become more severe. For instance, a coworker's weak spot might be political discussions. Our discovery leads us to ask him if he happened to catch a certain politician's speech the night before, knowing it will set him off. Poking people this way might seem entertaining, but it is certainly not beneficial to the recipient. Helping to reduce their suffering would be the better medicine. 

Instead of pouncing on people’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities, we should be providing encouragement and support for their strengths. ~ Judy Lief

For more information on the thirty-third slogan, go here. 

Slogan Thirty-three

Don’t bring things to a painful point.

From the Lojong for the Layperson booklet:

            Humans have a way of identifying and exploiting the weaknesses of other people for their own benefit. We may criticize someone, pretending to "help," when really we enjoy the power of making them appear deficient. Using our position (by having something the other person needs), we may manipulate them to get what we want. Sore spots can become a target, as we aim a kick in order to reinforce a person's liabilities. Bringing things to a painful point means we try to intentionally humiliate or bully someone. Instead, the bodhisattva ideal suggests we focus on encouraging their positive qualities rather than turning their inadequacies into our gain.

Photo: Thorns on the stem of a rose bush.

            When I was in middle school, my stepfather developed a punishment for me and my brother when he caught us fighting or arguing. He would sit in a chair and order us to scrap with fists and feet while he watched. We were not allowed to stop unless he directed us, and he generally waited until one of us was about to seriously injure the other. This form of discipline made as much sense to me as parents who spank a child to make them stop crying. How could violence produce nonviolence? This slogan prompts me to reinforce the positive behavior of others instead of encouraging or emphasizing their problems. Adding to the suffering of another person only causes separation and alienation; it fails to identify and focus on the actual problem. I must also question why I seem to derive such pleasure from rubbing salt in the wound of another. There’s enough pain in the world already without me amplifying it.